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A Broken Girl's Love Story

A Single Moms Journey to Healing

#MeToo

Visits To Hell

In the dark of the night I start to sweat

Tossing and turning, hiding from the nightmares I just met

I try to remember that this is no longer real

But in the deep of the nightmare I begin to feel.

His hands grab at me, the smoke on his breath

The strangled cry in my throat, this must be my death.

The squeak of the rubber as he prepares to take

My young, terrified body. My soul he will break.

The sound of his breath, panting, filling his need

The silent sobs I can’t choke out, as he empties his seed.

My body trembles with fear; I have no voice to shout

It’s not like my mother would even hear, I’m the one she’d doubt

Now that he’s done, he rolls off the bed

And leaves the room with no words to be said.

I run to the bathroom, my soul shattered and broken

The marks from his hands are left as his token.

As the dream starts to fade, I awake in my bed

Shivering and crying for the part of me he left dead.

I’ll never be complete, there’s no way I can be whole

But, I’ve learned to live without that sacred part of my soul.
In light of the Me Too movement, here’s my own outlet. I don’t share my story in full detail, I can’t. It’s too much. But, #MeToo

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It’s Been Too Long

I haven’t blogged in over a year. And since then, many many things have changed. I’ve been in an unconventional commutes relationship for 6 months (as of the 2nd), I’ve lost 70 lbs, and I’m a full time online college student. But the one thing I have recently come to realize that hasn’t changed… I’m still healing from my marriage. Before beginning my current unconventional relationship (more on that in a future blog), I thought I was good. I was healed. I had and still have days where I am angry at Derek for destroying our future (being a single mom is hard), but more so lately I find myself angry and the fact that I am far more broken then I thought. So, in truth, the name of my blog is still accurate, I am still a broken girl writing her love story, still healing.  Luckily, I have the world’s most patient boyfriend. He understands my past and my fears. And when those demons get the best of me, he rides the waves of my crazy and reminds me he’s not going anywhere. He reminds me how madly in love with me he is, crazy and all. 

I may still be broken and I may still be healing, but I know no matter where this relationship leads me, I am worthy of the love he gives me. 

So, that is my quick update. I’ll give you more info on this crazy life soon. Until then, blessings and lots of coffee.

Faleesha

It’s Getting Better All The Time

I don’t stop breathin’ every time the phone rings, My heart don’t race when someone’s at my door. I’ve almost given up thinkin’ you’re ever gonna call, I don’t believe in magic anymore. I just lie awake at night, Askin’ God to get you off my mind…It’s gettin’ better all the time, It’s gettin’ better all the time. Yeah, I got to work on time again this mornin’. This old job is all that I’ve got left. And no one even noticed I’d been cryin’. But, at least I don’t have the whiskey on my breath. Yeah, I think I’m gonna make it ‘Cause God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb. It’s gettin’ better all the time. 

I remember thinking “It will never get better, this pain will never stop. I will never love again. I’m not strong enough for this.” I remember writing and rewriting those words down in my journal as I tried to put my pain into words after finding out my husband cheated on me. I literally felt like my heart was shattered. I would find myself randomly doubled over in pain, losing all the air in my lungs gone, not being able to move at all, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and destroy everything around me. Anything to stop the pain. Watching my marriage disappear before my eyes, knowing that he could choose someone else over me and three amazing kids, it destroyed my world.It was by far the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life and I had definitely had my fair share of pain in my life. I was 100% sure the pain would never stop.

People kept giving me the same piece of advice. Over and over I would hear, “It gets better in time.” My least favorite word in the world became “Someday”. Someday you won’t hurt, someday you will heal, someday it will get better. I got so sick of hearing these words. Hearing that one day it wouldn’t hurt. How could it not hurt. A month went by and it still hurt, 2 months went by and I’d still want to break down in tears. 3 months…I was still angry and broken and lost. 4 months, I’d have a few good days and then something would hit me. I’d remember a dream we had for our family, I’d see a scene in a movie or a quote on Facebook and I’d feel like my whole world fell apart again. Someday sure wasn’t in a hurry.

I don’t know when it happened. I can’t put a certain date on it, but one day it got easier. One day I realized I was doing better. I was on the mend. I still have days where I get angry. I still have times that I run across something that brings tears to my eyes. I have times I still miss the family dream of all of us together. When the days are especially rough and the kids are extra crazy, I miss having someone to help wrangle them and get through it. When I’m feeling broken and just want to be held, I miss having that person to curl up next to and just let me lean on them. But, those moments happen less and less often. Fewer and fewer tears fall from my eyes. My heart is less heavy and the days less gloomy. The nights aren’t so long anymore. I believe in love again. I believe in myself again.

So as one heartbroken person to another, please believe me when I say, IT DOES GET BETTER. One day at time. One day, you will look back and see just how far you have come and you will know you’re someday is here. Be patient my friend. Feel the feelings that are clawing at your heart to escape. Give yourself the time to heal, the time to hurt and the time to grieve. Give yourself a someday. I’ll close this post with one of my favorite songs that I listened to over and over. A song that helps remind you how strong you are and how strong you can be. So, if you’re bored and need an anthem listen to “I Get A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans.

 It doesn’t happen overnight but you Turn around and a month’s gone by And you realize you haven’t cried. 
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer I’m busy getting stronger. And I’m done hoping That we can work it out. I’m done with how it feels, Spinning my wheels, Letting you drag my heart around. And, oh, I’m done thinking, You could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Getting along without you baby. I’m better off without you baby. How does it feel without me baby?  I’m getting stronger without you baby.

Until next time, drink your coffee, stay warm and blessed,

~F

 

 

2015: A Year Worth Remembering

As I sit here and look back on 2015 I can’t help but look at it with a peace of mind. No, 2015 didn’t get any easier in the single mom department.  I’m still trying to figure it all out on that front. But my heart, my heart healed some this year. I didn’t expect to fall in love. I didn’t expect to be able to trust a man with my heart. But in 2015, that’s exactly what I did.
I met someone who I was willing to give my heart to. Someone who I was able to believe in and trust. After my ex cheated, I honestly thought it would be a long time before I was willing to love and trust. But he proved me wrong. I watched myself slowly keep falling in love. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere serious, but I hoped time would change it. I spent 7 months freely loving someone and trusting someone. And for that, I have to be grateful. My heart still misses him, and in moments of weakness I run to him. He became a safe place. He was someone I could talk to about anything and he understood me.
2015 was the year of a great love affair for me, and I can’t regret it because it healed me in ways I never expected. I look forward to 2016 and the new lessons and great blessings that are in the making.

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Always and Forver, Faleesha

The Grinch Who Didn’t Steal Christmas

This Christmas I just can’t get into the holiday spirit. But, I refuse to let my kids see that.  My anxiety is high as their dad (my hopefully one day soon to be ex husband) will be here. It’s our first holiday celebrating together yet apart. Last year the kids were gone to MN for the holidays. This year, he’ll stay at my house and we will all open gifts in the morning. I haven’t stayed in the same house as him since our world crumbled. And it hurts. It hurts when he comes to visit and I barely spend any time with him. How much more will this hurt? The kids will leave after we open presents and such to spend a week in MN with their dad and his family. So, simply put, holidays suck for me.
The loneliness will creep up. The emptiness will work its way in full force. But until then, I’ll put on my Christmas face and pretend my heart is happy with all of this. I won’t steal the Christmas joy from them.

Until next time,  Merry Christmas to you and yours. 

Always and Forver, Faleesha

Chivalry Isn’t Dead…Yet

Chivalry, the small things like a man opening a door for a woman,  is slowly going out of style, and I think I know why. Women all over the world are fighting to be treated as equals. To be treated the same. 
My opinion, feminism is killing chivalry. We live in this world where it’s common to hear “I don’t need a man” or “I can do it myself”. And we as women aren’t wrong. We don’t NEED a man, we can do it ourself. Yes, I can open a car door myself,  but having a man care enough to walk around and open it for me because he wants to…yes, please do. I can open a restaurant door myself. Heck, sometimes I hold it open for others.  That doesn’t mean they can’t open a door themselves. It just means that I want to be nice and hold the door for you. Same goes for men.  They are showing you that you matter in the smallest of ways.
I once was seeing a guy who slept on the outside of the bed at all times. I once tried to steal that spot because in my own bed that’s where I sleep. But, he gave me a lesson in chivalry. To him, sleeping on the side nearest the door was his way of showing he would protect me. That he valued me. In my house, I sleep on the side nearest the door even when the kids come crawling into bed with me. I value them, I want to protect them in case something happens. Same for walking down the street, this man and my ex husband were both adamant about the man walks on the outside.  No, if a car is careening out of control most likely his body being there will not save me from injury, but it was their simple way of saying, you matter more than my own self. We do it to our kids all the time. We don’t let them walk on the outside near the street. We pocket them on the inside to protect them because they matter to us.

But we as women are so caught up in this view that we can be just like men. That we don’t need those little things to show us we are valued.  I disagree. We keep putting men down for being chivalrous.  We keep telling them, I can do this on my own.  I can get my own door, I can protect myself.  Yes, we can. You know you can, they know you can.  But let them show you that they value you by the little things, like sleeping near the door or walking closer to the road. Let men be men in some areas of life and let women be women in some areas. Stop trying to be the same or better than the man. No wonder our generation is raising boys instead of men. Raise a man who will step up and treat his woman with respect and love and chivalry, instead of a passive man who just sits there and let’s his girl carry her own weight.

Just my two cents, do with it what you will.
Until next time…
Be blessed,
Faleesha

Always and Forver, Faleesha

Once Upon A Forever

Once upon a time, what feels like centuries ago a young girl of 19 fell in love with a young boy of 19. They got married had babies and lived happily ever after…..

Wrong…that’s how the story was suppose to go. That was how my story played out in my head. But unfortunately,  that’s not how my forever played out. My forever played out…move in together after 3 months, tons of bickering, fighting,  threatening to leave. Get engaged at 8 months find out your pregnant the same month and then get married a year after dating. Pop at 2 more kids during my 7 years of marital unbliss. Did I mention separate twice before actually separating for good. The ending of that part of the Book of My Life ends in heart break, anger, loneliness and singlehood also known as infidelity (a story for another time). Not exactly a happily ever after.

Now I am a single mom of 3 amazing kids.

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Kayden, my oldest,  is 8. He has his fathers “I know it all personality” (God help us). But he is kind, funny and a bit like his mom when it comes to meeting new people and friends. He is my firstborn and that is one special bond.
Arianna or Ari for short (she’s the upside down one) is a 6 years old. I am pretty sure I have never met a gentler soul. She is kind to everyone (except her brother). She doesn’t know a stranger in the world (that’s her dad in her). But boy does she have a temper like her mom (not Lil ole innocent me hahaha). She is an artist through and through; whether it’s music, drawing, coloring, dancing or singing, she loves it all.
Nalani or Nala, almost 2. She was born two days after Christmas. She is my stubborn, independent,  full of life, minion obsessed baby. (Just between us, my favorite because she doesn’t talk back much yet.) She was a pretty happy baby and is surprisingly and happy toddler usually. But, she’ll jump in her siblings wrestling matches or boss them around with the best of them. Her personality is so extreme she’s a little bit of both the other two and I couldn’t love it more.

What about me? I’m 29 years old, stubborn, sarcastic, temperamental, red headed Scorpio from a small town. I don’t keep a lot of friends because I don’t trust easy. I’m a little lost, a little broken but I’m making the best out of it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes on my journey to healing (and I’m far from the end), but I hope you will enjoy my stories, the good ones and the bad ones.

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So, until I post again… Have a Blessed Day
Always and Forver ~ Faleesha

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